Principle #9 - Accept Influence

I'll never forget a conversation early in my marriage. Wendy offered a gentle observation about a decision I was about to make in ministry. Well let's be truthful here. It probably wasn't all tht gentle becuase Wendy tended to be REALLY bossy early in our marriage. She wasn't harsh. She wasn't critical. She simply saw something I didn't see. So, she told me bluntly. And I, being young and certain and full of pride, politely dismissed it.

She was right, of course. She usually is. And I spent the next several months cleaning up a mess that one humble conversation could have prevented. Had I not responded with defensiveness, I would have been a LOT better off.

Solomon tells us, "Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but he who rejects reproof leads others astray" (Proverbs 10:17). Notice the stakes in that verse. Heeding instruction doesn't just help you. Rejecting it doesn't just hurt you. When we refuse correction, we lead others astray, and in marriage, the person most affected by my stubbornness is the one sleeping beside me.

The Myth of the Lone Ranger Spouse

Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up the idea that strength means never bending. That a strong man doesn't need input. That a confident woman shouldn't have to adjust. But that is not biblical strength. That is pride dressed up as strength.

In my years of counseling, I have watched this pattern destroy so many marriages. One spouse, sometimes both, simply will not be influenced. Every suggestion is treated as an attack. Every observation becomes a courtroom trial. The unspoken message is clear. Your perspective doesn't matter here. And a spouse who hears that message long enough eventually stops offering a perspective at all. We call that emotional withdrawal, and it is one of the last stops before a marriage dies.

Healthy couples do the opposite. They let each other in. They treat their spouse's viewpoint as valuable data rather than enemy fire. Researchers who study marriage have found that husbands who accept influence from their wives have dramatically healthier, more stable marriages. Scripture said it first. The wise heed instruction.

Why God Gave You a Spouse Who Sees Differently

Here is something I remind couples of at nearly every conference my wife and I lead. God did not give you a spouse who thinks exactly like you, and that is not a design flaw. It is a divine design strength.

Your spouse sees your blind spots precisely because they are standing in a different place. Wendy sees things in me, in our family, and in our ministry that I will never see on my own. When I accept her influence, I am not surrendering leadership. I am exercising wisdom. I am admitting what is obviously true, that I am a limited, finite, sometimes foolish man who benefits enormously from the counsel of the godly woman God placed at my side.

Accepting influence doesn't mean one spouse always gets their way. It means both spouses genuinely weigh each other's thoughts, feelings, and desires before decisions get made. It means saying things like, "Help me understand why this matters to you," and actually listening to the answer.

A Few Practical Steps

Ask before deciding. On any decision that affects both of you, invite input before your mind is made up. Input requested after the decision isn't influence. It's a formality.

Receive correction without a counterattack. When your spouse points out something hard, resist the reflex to list their faults in return. "You're right, tell me more" may be the six most powerful words in marriage.

Look for the yes. You won't agree with everything your spouse suggests, but you can almost always find something to affirm. "That's a good point about the budget" costs you nothing and communicates everything.

Thank them for the hard word. Proverbs says the one who heeds reproof is on the path to life. If that's true, then a spouse who lovingly corrects you is handing you a gift. Treat it like one.

The Path to Life

I have now been married long enough to know that some of the best decisions of my life were not my ideas. They were Wendy's ideas that I finally had the sense to heed. Every time I accept her influence, our marriage gets a little stronger, and I get a little wiser.

Solomon called it the path to life. I can tell you from experience, it is also the path to a marriage that lasts a lifetime.