Principle #10 - Share in a Mission

Every so often a couple comes into my office and says something like this. "We don't fight much. We're not in crisis. We just feel like roommates." They manage the calendar, pay the bills, raise the kids, and pass each other in the house. The machinery of the household runs fine, but the marriage feels hollow.

Almost every time, when I dig beneath the surface, I find the same missing piece. The couple has logistics but no mission. They are managing a life together, but they are not going anywhere together. And a marriage with no shared direction will eventually feel like a long car ride with no destination.

Marriage Was Never Meant to Be the Destination

Here is a truth that sounds strange at a marriage conference, but my wife and I say it anyway. Your marriage is not ultimately about your marriage.

When Jesus gave His final marching orders, He said, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you" (Matthew 28:19-20). The Great Commission was given to every follower of Christ, and that includes every Christian husband and every Christian wife. Which means the two of you are not just partners in a household. You are partners in a mission that stretches to the ends of the earth and to the end of the age.

From the very beginning, God designed marriage with purpose beyond itself. Adam and Eve were given a garden to tend and a world to fill. Priscilla and Aquila made tents together, risked their necks together, and taught the way of God more accurately together. Marriage thrives when it is pointed outward.

Couples who exist only for their own happiness tend to become fragile, because the moment happiness dips, the whole enterprise feels pointless. But couples who exist for the glory of God and the good of others have something sturdier than feelings holding them together. They have a calling.

What Shared Mission Actually Looks Like

Now, let me relieve some pressure. Sharing in mission does not mean you both have to be seminary trained or move overseas. Some of you may. But, for most couples, the mission field is remarkably close to home.

It looks like praying together for your unbelieving neighbor, and then inviting that neighbor over for dinner. It looks like serving side by side in your church, teaching a class, hosting a small group, rocking babies in the nursery. It looks like raising your children to know and love Jesus, which may be the most significant disciple-making work you will ever do. It looks like opening your home, your table, and your ordinary Tuesday nights to people who need to see the gospel lived out in a real family.

Much of my 36 years in ministry I have had to do separate from Wendy. The nature of counseling ensured so the majority of my ministry was done away from her. But prior to us launching our shared conference ministry, some of my greatest joy has come from teaching 1-2 year olds alongside her. Her taking the lead role and me serving as the support.

Our shared mission has been one of the sweetest glues in our own marriage. We have prayed together over hurting couples, celebrated together when marriages were restored, and driven home from conferences worn out and full of joy at the same time. Serving together has bonded us in ways a hundred date nights never could. Though for the record, I am still very much in favor of date nights.

Find Your Assignment

So let me give you some homework. Sit down with your spouse this week and ask three questions.

First, what has God uniquely put in our hands? Consider your gifts, your home, your story, even your scars.

Second, who has God put in front of us? Neighbors, coworkers, family members, a church ministry that needs help.

Third, what is one step we could take together in the next thirty days?

Then take that step. Together.

Jesus attached a promise to the Great Commission that I love to point out to couples. "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." When you and your spouse step into mission together, you are stepping into the promised presence of Christ. I can think of no better place for a marriage to live.

A healthy marriage is not two people gazing at each other. It is two people, hand in hand, gazing at Christ and going where He sends them.