Principle #8 - Give Appreciation and Admiration

Several years ago, a couple sat in my counseling office, and the husband said something I have heard, in one form or another, hundreds of times. "I don't understand why she's so unhappy. I work hard. I provide. I'm faithful. What more does she want?" His wife looked at the floor and said quietly, "I just want to know that you notice me."

That's it. That was the whole ache of her heart. Not a bigger house. Not a nicer vacation. She wanted to be seen, appreciated, and admired by the man who promised to cherish her.

After more than three decades of counseling couples and leading marriage conferences with my wife, I am convinced that one of the quickest ways to diagnose the health of a marriage is to listen for gratitude. Healthy couples notice each other. Struggling couples keep score.

Gratitude Is a Command, Not a Feeling

Paul writes, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Notice what Paul does not say. He does not say give thanks when you feel like it. He does not say give thanks when your spouse has earned it. He says give thanks in all circumstances, because thanksgiving is not primarily a response to our situation. It is an act of obedience and worship rooted in the character of God.

Here's why that matters for your marriage. If gratitude waits on perfect circumstances, it will wait forever. You did not marry a perfect person, and neither did your spouse. You both married broken, fallen, sinners. But if gratitude is a discipline, a deliberate choice to see and speak the good, then it is available to every couple, every day, in every season.

What You Look For, You Will Find

There is a well-documented dynamic in marriage research. Couples in distress develop negative relationship scanning. They become experts at cataloging their spouse's failures. The dishes left in the sink. The tone of voice. The forgotten errand. And here's the sobering part. The more you look for the negative, the more of it you find, and the more of it you find, the more convinced you become that your spouse is the problem.

Appreciation reverses the scan. When I choose to look for what my wife does well, I find it everywhere. The way she loves me. The way she serves. The way she has stood beside me through every season of ministry, including the hard ones. She has not changed. My eyes have.

Try this. For one week, refuse to voice a single criticism, and instead speak one specific word of appreciation to your spouse every day. Not a generic "thanks for everything," but something particular. "Thank you for shouldering so much of the load this week while I was busy." "I noticed how patient you were with your mother on the phone." Specificity communicates attention, and attention communicates love.

Admiration Goes Deeper Than Appreciation

Appreciation says thank you for what you do. Admiration says I respect who you are. Both matter, but admiration is the deeper well.

Early in our marriage, I mostly thanked Wendy for tasks. Meals, laundry, schedules. Those words were good, but they were incomplete. What she needed to hear, and what took me too long to learn to say, was that I admired her. Her wisdom. Her faith. Her courage. When I began to tell her not just what I appreciated but who I admired, something shifted in our home. She stood a little taller. And honestly, so did I, because a man who admires his wife out loud is reminded of what a gift he has been given.

Husbands, when was the last time you told your wife you admire her character, not just her cooking? Wives, when was the last time you told your husband you respect him, not just that you tolerate him? Those words are oxygen to a marriage.

Start Today

Gratitude is the will of God for you, and it happens to be one of His kindest commands, because the couple who obeys it reaps the benefit. So start tonight. Before your head hits the pillow, tell your spouse one thing you appreciate and one thing you admire. It will feel awkward if it has been a while. Do it anyway.

You may find that the person you have been criticizing is the very person God has been using to bless you all along. Give thanks. It's His will, and it's good for your marriage.